We live in the city, but have what we think is an outrageous garden tucked away on a main street. We started the garden many years ago when the kids were small, and wanted to do something interesting with our small front yard that would make us feel closer to nature, cut down on the traffic noise, give a feel of more privacy, and provide a fenced area for our kids to play.
As the garden has progressed through the years, a variety of animals have become part of the scenery. We have two small ponds with little goldfish and Koi. We grow lots of grapes, and this is of natural attraction to our local wildlife. We are a favorite stop and temporary home to an array of animals. Each year it varies, but this year’s visitors include a black ‘garden cat’, field mice, two local dogs, lots of little birds and a wounded crow. A couple of years back we had a pair of Turtle doves nesting in our grapevines.
Well, we have racoons that are pretty much are squatters in our yard this year. Last year we had possums, but I think the racoons beat ‘em up and sent them packin’ as part of their hostile take over.
It began with just one HUGE racoon that would occassionally swim in the pond, now when he comes, he bring what I assume is his wife, as she is a bit smaller.
Our granddaughter loved to visit from the time she was small, but this year we suspect she may have some untold issue with wildlife stirred by a vivid imagination and sparked by our other grandchildren who also have vivid imaginations. She really does not want to come visit — especially not to sleep in my room which has the door that faces the ‘great outdoors’.
So back to the racoons. I am not joking that the one racoon is like almost knee high to me, and they’re stocky! They don’t care that I yell at them – ‘get out of the yard!’ in my sternest voice. Absolutely unphased. Actually, it’s like they just look up at me, then look at each other as if to say “parlez vois francais?”, “what IS she saying?”, “I don’t see anyone else around, think she’s speaking to us?”. And the huge racoon, joined by the smaller one, just saunter away (looking over their shoulder one last time before they turn corner and walk away)! Oh, and as they walk off, you can see their wet little footprints on my decking.
I mean this is every morning! They go for a swim in the pond, fish out any fish they may have inadvertantly left behind, and I’m sure they’re wondering when will I be restocking the pond.
Yep, I hear them splashing, then I flip on the porch lights, yell at them, and they just look up. And now they just look at each other.
Usually the big one goes up and eats the grapes and leaves a BIG MESS! See it’s not like racoons take the grapes and eat the whole thing, they only like the inside, so they take the grape, suck out the inside, then spit the seeds and the peels leaving this mess of purple grape peels staining the decking.
My son says “I would throw things at them, but hey, that’s just me” to which I replied that I do throw things, rocks, wood, whatever I can find around in the yard – I throw up into the grapevines so it will scare the racoon and make it leave — but naw.
A couple of weeks back, I could only hear the noises, but could not see any animals — don’t know what animals they were but assume they were racoons or possums. So I would stand outside in the yard at about 2am and hear stuff rustling. My sons says “no wonder your granddaughter doesn’t like to go there”. Then I stood outside and looked up into the branches where the noise was coming from, but nothing. So I would then toss stuff up into the grapevines, and began poking up there with a broom handle. NOTHING. Then tossing more stuff until I realized this was a bad idea becase I have glass items under the grape arbor and a marble table also. Finally, there was movement on the fence where you could see the invisible indentation of something that had hit the wood fence by the rose bush. But as I say — invisible! Like a freaking racoon chupacabra… or squirrel or rat! But definitely chupacabra because the morning shows more grapes scattered, and my fish are missing.
So then my husband is of course asleep at this time — he has to be up for work by 3:30 am. But every night, I’m laying in bed next to him… listening.
Because I know I will hear noises. Because I keep the windows and doors open so I can hear the noises. So just when he’s really snoring, I shake him really hard and tell him “I hear something, go outside and check to see what it is”. Every morning he does, then back to sleep. We do this all night. Well, my night, but almost his morning wake up time.
So then a couple of weeks ago, I began dreaming about the animals in the yard and in the dream waking my husband, and in the dream he gets up to use the bathroom, and in the dream goes back to bed. But this is only my dream. Well then, in real life he does get up that same night as I’m dreaming and goes to the bathroom So when he returns, I assume the place in my dream is reality. And so I start talking to him in real life about the animals from my dream as the lines between sleepy dream world and reality seem to have crossed. But of course he has no idea what the ‘crazy lady occupying his same room for the past 30 years is talking about because of course these are all just my dreams.
By the way, it’s incredible to have someone who knows you so well that they can eventually figure out what you’re talking about.
Well, now he’s started waking up in the night and screaming… and when I ask what he’s shouting about — he replies “yelling at the damn animals to get out of the yard”!
As I’m retelling this story to a family friend, she’s just about peeing in her pants, rolling with laughter.
But back to ‘our racoon story’… so now my husband has gotten a mouse trap from the garage, determined to put an end to these sleepless nights. He’s set it up with cheese and placed it in the garden in the area where he thought he may have seen a small gray rat during one of his night patrols.
So now I really can’t sleep because I’m scared that the racoons or possums are going to get stuck in the trap and then they won’t be killed, they’ll just be pissed, and hurt, and he’ll have to treat them!
Well, I keep hearing things in the yard, and I’m thinking something’s in the trap, so now I’m waking my husband about every 15 minutes so he can check the trap. Well, this doesn’t last for more than an hour when he just in desparation gets up, goes outside and disables the trap. SNAP! What a huge loud snap the trap makes!
That’s when I shout out “oops, I guess that wasn’t the sound I heard after all!”
Something did eat the cheese right off the sprung trap by morning.
The next day, our nextdoor neighbor also hears these noises. He’s called the police because he’s hearing the racoons and the neighborhood dogs barking. The dogs also hear the racoons. The neighbors think we have prowlers, so now it’s 3am — the day after the sprung trap, and 15 minutes after the last time I have told my husband “wake up, I hear footsteps on the gravel”… and the police are talking outside and shining flashlights into our front yard.
That’s what it’s been like around our house lately. I’m thinkin’ we could sell sitcom rights…